I'm smarter than my nephew.

My brother Matt has a son who might as well be his clone. Every time I walk into a room and this kid is there, I have flashbacks of being a child myself and playing with my brother because he is the spitting image of Matt at age 4.

But these two are similar in far more areas than looks. Both are smart. Both are imaginative. And most of all, both are highly, highly competitive.

My brother, for example, is not (in my opinion) the most delightful person to play a game with - never has been. He will insist there are still granules in the top of the hourglass in Taboo when his teammate finally guesses his word and everyone else says it has been long empty... or that he DID TOO shout out that answer in Outburst (even though he had the loudest voice and NOBODY else heard it) or that you canNOT use the Wild card to turn things green in Uno because of some long-forgotten rule that takes into account the way the cards were dealt 3 games ago or that you rolled the dice the wrong way in Parcheesi when you landed your last man in the winning place... fun, perhaps, for the rest of the lawyers in my family who probably enjoy arguing the points but utterly exhausting for me; I am not nearly as into (or as good at) arguing.

When we were little children, Matt came up to me and said, "Me and Daddy are boys." I saw no need for a response to such an obvious statement, so I continued sucking my fingers. He said it again... no response again. He said it again. Okay, I really don't know how many times he actually said it because I only know this story from my mother telling it, but apparently he said it at least three times - possibly more - and by the last time, he was in my face shouting it like he was angry and I was out of line in one way or another, so I calmly pulled my fingers out of my mouth and said, "Me and Mommy are durls." So goes life with Matt. He IS an incredibly likable guy, but he has an incessant NEED to win, so if there is no competition, he promptly makes one up (and - shocker - he usually wins the ones he makes up).

So now he has bred, and we have Jacob. And Jacob's need to win is every bit as intense as his father's. A few weeks ago Jacob and I were throwing a ball back and forth. Jacob said, "I caught the ball. I win!" So when I caught the ball, I told him that I won too. He said no, I didn't win. He did. I said that if he won because he caught the ball, then I had to win because I also caught the ball. He thought for a moment (he's 4 - it takes a little time still) and said, "No. You have to do a GOOD JOB catching the ball. And you're not doing a good job. So you lose." Apparently whenever he thinks Matt and Kelly are arguing, he does them the service of determining for them who is right and who is wrong ("Daddy, you lose. Mommy, you win!") Last week I was eating chicken with him, and he looked at me and said, "I finished my chicken first. I win." I told him okay, but I finished my potatoes first, so I won. He said, "No, people who finish their potatoes first don't win. People who finish their potatoes second win. So I win." So I threw him onto the couch and tickled him until he said, "Aunt Jenni never loses." Then as soon as I let him go, he smiled, yelled, "Aunt Jenni loses!" and ran to the other room so I could chase him and do it all over again (a good game for us, incidentally - we both won).

So anyway, I was at my brother's house a week ago using the computer, and competitive Jacob walked into the room and asked me for the super glue. Considering that it is not my house and I have never gone over there with the intent of using super glue, I had no idea where it was. But considering that I'm the best aunt in the world (and clearly NOT competitive like my brother and nephew), I told him I'd help him look for it. So I opened a few drawers to no avail, and he stood for a moment watching me and then said in a quiet but determined voice, "Well, Daddy knows where it is."

Now at this point in my life, I have lived through 30 years of the "Me and Daddy are boys," "There ARE TOO some granules in the hourglass," and "You didn't roll the dice right" conversations, so when it comes to sensing a conversation heading in the "you lose" direction, I am definitely a winner. So I decided to just head him off at the pass, and I said, "Well, Jacob, that's because Daddy's smarter than I am."

It didn't work.

What I forgot is that the Matts and Jacobs of this world are never satisfied with easy wins. A 15-1 volleyball win just doesn't hit the spot for them. They're looking more for a 19-17 kind of win... more satisfaction, of course. In other words, Jacob had only just begun. He looked at me in a calculated sort of way, as if he were deciding whether or not he could get away with what he wanted to say. And apparently he decided he could.

"Well, I'M smarter than you."

I thought this was the funniest flipping thing I had heard in a long time. I mean, who considers this type of thing at age 4? Who in the world would compare their smarts with their father's sister's smarts?!? Well evidently - if it meant he had the chance to win something - Jacob would. So I turned around and said, "Now Jacob, how do you know that?"

"I just do. I'm smarter."

"I don't know about that. I'm not sure you are."

"Yes. I am." Then he left the room while I continued to look for the super glue, returned a moment later, and said in that same calculated voice, "Mommy says I'm smarter than you."

At that point Kelly's voice came from the other room - "I did NOT say that, Jacob! I said you were smart!"

And Jacob turned around and yelled back, "Shh! Mommy! You're not supposed to be listening!"

I left shortly thereafter. And Jacob seemed satisfied enough when I did, which means he clearly thinks that we have settled that he is smarter. Unfortunately for him, however, I weigh a lot more than he does, so I have the distinct tickle advantage. And let's face it - a kid can only be tickled for so long before being coerced into saying anything the tickler wants him to say. In my case, it will remain, "Aunt Jenni never loses."

And that, my friends, is very, very smart.