A month and a half ago I went to the beach for a few days to let God heal me.
He did.
One of the things He did was show me a vision of Jesus on the cross. It was messy and bloody, and He was exhausted from pain and the effort of breathing. I was standing there transfixed by the enormity of the whole scene, and Jesus looked down at me and said, "Jenni."
It has always been a huge block for me to feel loved personally by God. I have watched Him individually move in the lives of so many people I know; I have seen the wonderful effects of His love, and I have always believed in it. But it has always been very difficult to believe in it for me. I suppose it is my own shame, my own need to be perfect, my own tendency to listen to the words of accusation that so easily play themselves over and over again in my head.
But in my vision (without my conjuring it up or expecting it), on the cross, Jesus said my name. His words cost Him a great deal there because breathing took so much concentration. And He noticed me. And He said my name. And it made all the difference in the world.
It's hard for me to write things when I am afraid that people won't get them (I so want to be relevant), and this is one of those things that people on both sides of the coin (Christians and non) might not be able to grasp - just because its occurrence and its effect were both so incredibly personal. But its meaning to me has been profound, and that one moment did and has continued to change me.
God is Love. The rest, when you really come down to it (and I too rarely do), is just rubbish.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Seven Random Facts and Seven Friends (if I have them)
This is way overdue.
My cousin Kelley tagged me like 6 years ago to write 7 random facts about myself in a blog. I don't know why it's taken so long. I love this kind of stuff.
Maybe the problem is that I have blogged very little and therefore pretty much only know two other bloggers, and Kelley is one of them, so there is really no one to tag. (I think I will totally tag 7 random people whose blogs I happen upon who have no idea who I am.)
So here goes...
1) I love tweezers. LOVE them. I tweeze things that ought not be tweezed. My favorite thing to tweeze is leg hairs. And there is one particular length - when the leg hair has just started to peep out - that is particularly satisfying. I think it is because for some reason, when I tweeze that length, I nearly always get that gummy, ugly root out. Do you know what I'm talking about? SOOOO satisfying. Have you ever tweezed an in-grown hair? They are also particularly satisfying to conquer. In college when I roomed with Megan, we used to sit on our beds on opposite sides of the room and tweeze our leg hairs while we chatted about life. Good memories.
2) I have simultaneous yearnings to be different and to be the same. This creates quite a quandary for me when both yearnings expose themselves at the same time.
3) Once I worked as a house parent at a home for troubled teens. It changed my life.
4) I used to have glow-in-the-dark nail polish. It rocked. I could put it on, and you couldn't see it unless you turned the lights out, and then my nails just glowed. This, for some reason, made me happy.
5) I have a good memory. When I was in first grade, my teacher (Mrs. Price) would always instruct us to get in line by saying our names in alphabetical order by last name. I heard our class in alphabetical order by last name so many times that year that now, like 25 years later, I still have the list memorized. No, I am not kidding. Katie, Christi, Brooke, Natalie, Nikikia, Timmy, Jimmy, Derek, Mandy, Alicia, Ben, Russell, Jason, Evan, Mara, John, Marie, Michael, Dana, Wendy, Jenni, Brandi, Shauna. I know... creepy.
6) I both think and feel very deeply. As a result, I am frequently experiencing angst. I often portray myself as flaky or carefree. I think I do this because I don't know a lot of people who are comfortable with deep thoughts and feelings, so it helps me make it socially. But beneath the surface, I am forever contemplating myself and God and relationships and life and meaning. I really long for God and relationships and meaning.
7) I have never been able to turn a cartwheel. I know... creepy.
Okay, now I will tag 7 random people.
I will start with Heather. I do know her.
Oh, and there is Aunt Pat. I know her, too.
I met Amanda on etsy, and she is cool.
This person appears to have a birthday the same day as my big brother (which was yesterday - you should comment to her and tell her happy birthday - I'm going to!). Cause for tagging.
Shaniqua likes The 10th Kingdom, which happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time, so I am tagging her.
I happened across Erin and think she looks nice, so I'll tag her.
This person seems creative and deep, so they get my last tag.
Thanks, Kell! :-)
My cousin Kelley tagged me like 6 years ago to write 7 random facts about myself in a blog. I don't know why it's taken so long. I love this kind of stuff.
Maybe the problem is that I have blogged very little and therefore pretty much only know two other bloggers, and Kelley is one of them, so there is really no one to tag. (I think I will totally tag 7 random people whose blogs I happen upon who have no idea who I am.)
So here goes...
1) I love tweezers. LOVE them. I tweeze things that ought not be tweezed. My favorite thing to tweeze is leg hairs. And there is one particular length - when the leg hair has just started to peep out - that is particularly satisfying. I think it is because for some reason, when I tweeze that length, I nearly always get that gummy, ugly root out. Do you know what I'm talking about? SOOOO satisfying. Have you ever tweezed an in-grown hair? They are also particularly satisfying to conquer. In college when I roomed with Megan, we used to sit on our beds on opposite sides of the room and tweeze our leg hairs while we chatted about life. Good memories.
2) I have simultaneous yearnings to be different and to be the same. This creates quite a quandary for me when both yearnings expose themselves at the same time.
3) Once I worked as a house parent at a home for troubled teens. It changed my life.
4) I used to have glow-in-the-dark nail polish. It rocked. I could put it on, and you couldn't see it unless you turned the lights out, and then my nails just glowed. This, for some reason, made me happy.
5) I have a good memory. When I was in first grade, my teacher (Mrs. Price) would always instruct us to get in line by saying our names in alphabetical order by last name. I heard our class in alphabetical order by last name so many times that year that now, like 25 years later, I still have the list memorized. No, I am not kidding. Katie, Christi, Brooke, Natalie, Nikikia, Timmy, Jimmy, Derek, Mandy, Alicia, Ben, Russell, Jason, Evan, Mara, John, Marie, Michael, Dana, Wendy, Jenni, Brandi, Shauna. I know... creepy.
6) I both think and feel very deeply. As a result, I am frequently experiencing angst. I often portray myself as flaky or carefree. I think I do this because I don't know a lot of people who are comfortable with deep thoughts and feelings, so it helps me make it socially. But beneath the surface, I am forever contemplating myself and God and relationships and life and meaning. I really long for God and relationships and meaning.
7) I have never been able to turn a cartwheel. I know... creepy.
Okay, now I will tag 7 random people.
I will start with Heather. I do know her.
Oh, and there is Aunt Pat. I know her, too.
I met Amanda on etsy, and she is cool.
This person appears to have a birthday the same day as my big brother (which was yesterday - you should comment to her and tell her happy birthday - I'm going to!). Cause for tagging.
Shaniqua likes The 10th Kingdom, which happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time, so I am tagging her.
I happened across Erin and think she looks nice, so I'll tag her.
This person seems creative and deep, so they get my last tag.
Thanks, Kell! :-)
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